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Thursday, November 14, 2019

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory


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IRGC sealTehran, November 14 - Leaders of the Islamic Republic asserted again their commitment to combating the existence of the Jewish State until no more Palestinians remain as proxies for that combat, officials in the capital declared today.

An official announcement by the Ministries of Foreign Affairs and of Defense today, in conjunction with the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps - Quds Force, declared these and other Iranian entities willing to fight Israel down to the last Palestinian.

"So sacred is the mission to liberate Palestine from the usurper and so devoted our we to the freedom of our Palestinian brethren that we will not rest until every last Palestinian is expended in the prosecution of that holy duty," the statement read. "If it takes seven more decades to undo the injustice of Western Zionist colonialism in the home of Al-Aqsa, no matter how many Palestinian lives it costs, so be it. To this we pledge our honor and our souls."

Iran has served as the chief financier and source of arms for Palestinian Islamic Jihad, the terrorist organization operating out of the Gaza Strip that has fired the vast majority of the hundreds of rockets aimed at Israeli civilian areas in the last several days. The Islamic Republic has pursued a similar agenda via Lebanese in Lebanon, Syrians and other in Syria, and Yemenis in Yemen, paid to put themselves in harm's way in order to advance Iran's regional ambitions, one of which appears to be the use of non-Iranians as cannon fodder.

"Our Palestinian brothers may remain calmer and more steadfast in their efforts to expel the Zionist invader, now that they know how much we continue to support them, and will continue to support their efforts," the statement continued. "We encourage you, O Palestinians, to drive out the imperialist dogs, persisting in your dedication to this sacred task as long as necessary. We will supply you with whatever you need until there are no more left of you to supply."

"Now go forth and fight, brave soldiers!" the Iranians exhorted their Palestinian allies. "Our mighty treasury stands behind you, as we do. About a thousand kilometers behind, to be more specific, because we, uh, we don't want to get in your way or anything. Yeah. We would just be a nuisance, fighting there with you or doing anything directly. This is your fight, after all. In which we support you. Every last one of you."



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