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Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory



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Jews Don't Control the Weather? What Do You Call The Ten Plagues?

by Trayon White, Washington, DC Council member

Trayon WhiteListen, I know it was bad form to engage in antisemitic tropes and portray the Jews as a monolithic, sinister, all-powerful group. I apologized - of course I apologized; it would be wrong not to. But between you and me, there's no shortage of evidence the Jews have been doing this sort of thing for thousands of years. just look at a bunch of the Ten Plagues.

Just look at the documented accounts, in the Jews' own works. The Nile turning to blood - well, I don't know about you, but if that's not the sort of environmental engineering consistent with weather modification, I'll eat my hat. Having the same Nile then produce frogs fits right in, as well.

You can argue about lice, wild beasts - or swarms of insects, if that's your preferred translation - and livestock pestilence, but there's no question the boils relied on wind patterns to spread the magic ash all over. Then, of course, there was hail, and it was special hail with fire inside the ice. Making it snow in DC is small potatoes compared to that.

Locusts might seem like a biological, not meteorological phenomenon, but look at the way the swarm was brought in: the east wind. The evidence accumulates. And this is the time of year the Jews are getting ready to mark these events, on Passover. You don't need a blood libel to showcase Jewish brutality here.

Darkness - well, how else are you going to blot out the sun if not with some atmospheric interference?

But it didn't end there. After the death of the Egyptian firstborns - that could also have been environmental; you never know - the Jews followed a pillar of cloud into the wilderness. Clouds are weather, as I need not remind you. Then they used the east wind again to dry up a portion of the Sea of Reeds and march through. Then when the Jews emerged on the other side, they stopped the wind blowing and the water came crashing down on the pursuing Egyptian cavalry.

The daily manna came with the morning dew, and that's how they lived for forty years. Oh, and somewhere in there the wind also brought huge flocks of quail for them to feast on when they desired meat.
And don't even get me started on Joshua making the sun and moon stand still.

But sure, make me apologize. Everyone knows I'm only doing it because I don't want the Potomac to turn to blood.




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