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Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory

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Credit: Hossein Velayati via Wikimedia Commons
Credit: Hossein Velayati via Wikimedia Commons
Tehran, June 21 - The Islamic Republic of Iran has modified its anti-Israel rhetoric in the last two days to reflect the poor performance of the country's ballistic missiles, media monitors are reporting.

Iranian forces launched seven ground-to-ground missiles at targets of the Islamic State Group in Syria on Monday, declaring the move a retaliatory strike for bombing and shooting attacks that place in the Iranian capital two weeks ago, and for which the Islamic State claimed responsibility. The impressive sights and sounds of the launchings, however, gave way to dismal performance statistics: only one rocket of the salvo hit the target; the other six misfired, fell short in Iraq, or hit places unknown. The poor showing prompted the mullah to alter its threats to target Israel with nuclear-tipped rockets to declare instead that Iran will aim for Palestinian areas, making it more likely that Israel will be hit.

"The Zionists' days are numbered," pronounced Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei in a radio address. "We are close to the day when we can place an atomic warhead atop our missiles, at which point we will program the weapons to hit Palestinian cities such as Qalqiliya, Jenin, Gaza, Jericho, and Tulkarem, thus making them more likely to hit Tel Aviv."

"Or we will target the Mediterranean Sea, or perhaps Lebanon," added Khamenei. "The Zionists will cower in fear before they are obliterated, maybe, knowing that our weapons can land almost anywhere. No one will knw where until it happens!" He also threatened to target Israel's offshore gas fields in the Mediterranean by aiming the weapons for Cyprus or Egypt.

Palestinian leaders have remained muted in their response. "We appreciate the sentiment behind the statements," offered Fatah official Saeb Erekat, formerly a negotiator with Israel. "The solidarity with our movement to rid the land of the Zionist occupier is moving indeed. We do think that we Palestinians are quite capable of our own self-destructive behavior aimed at harming Israel, and that while Iran's offer of help is a welcome gesture, it is not Iran's place to sacrifice us in order to destroy Israel. That is our job." He suggested that Iran instead provide the weapons to the Palestinians so the latter may launch them against Israel in the manner that Hamas have done with Iran-supplied rockets in the Gaza Strip.

"Of course we would rather Iran not supply anything at all if it means Hamas gets to use it," added Erekat. The fight against Israel is much too important to be left to anyone who would deny Fatah and Mahmoud Abbas the exclusive glory of conducting it."

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