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Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory
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AyraultParis, May 18 - French Minister of Foreign Affairs Jean-Marc Ayrault announced today that his country would postpone the Middle East peace conference originally scheduled for the end of this month, to allow for the manufacture and delivery of a sufficient quantity of double standards to apply to Israel.

Ayrault told reporters at a press conference this morning that the conference would take place not beginning May 30, as originally planned, but several weeks later, a delay that would give producers enough time to supply the European, American, and Arab participant nations with the number of double standards they are accustomed to applying to Israel, but of which inventories had been running low. The depletion of the double standards, said the minister, occurred because of improper oversight of double standard stockpiles, a factor that allowed almost anyone to seize and apply double standards with little or no oversight.

"We have had media outlets and international organizations making profligate use of double standards for Israel, seemingly without regard for the quantity of such resources available to the rest of us," he explained. "On top of the everyday bias against Israel's legitimacy or concerns, we had UNESCO denying Jewish history, the EU funding illegal Palestinian construction in areas under Israeli control as per Oslo - while condemning Israel for building homes - the hypocritical singling out of Israel as practicing torture - and that was just over the last couple of weeks. Add to that tendentious media coverage and the ongoing use of a unique, cynical, inhumane definition of 'refugee' only for Palestinians, and it's no wonder we're running low."

Additionally, say experts, the divergent treatment of terrorism targeting Europeans and terrorism targeting Israelis and Jews has strained the double standards inventory in Western Europe, and the bodies that normally produce the double standards have been focused more recently on dusting off and refurbishing old double standards for reuse, while stocks of more up-to-date double standards continued to be depleted by human rights organizations spilling ink and paper over alleged Israeli violations while making more sparing mention of far more horrific abuses among Israel's neighbors and adversaries.

"We said we were delaying the conference to enable Secretary Kerry to participate," said Ayrault. "That is because Mr. Kerry has promised to bring with him a new shipment of double standards, but he needed more than a couple of weeks to put it together. I'm especially excited to see what he can provide in terms of accusing Netanyahu of meddling in US politics, while funding efforts to oust Netanyahu's party from power.

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