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Wednesday, August 9, 2017


Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory


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ScarPride Rock, Serengeti Ecosystem, Tanzania, August 9 - The United Nations Education, Social, and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) designated this location as a site of Scar's heritage today, striking a political and diplomatic blow against Scar's nephew Simba in their struggle over rule of the pride.

The body voted 14-2 in favor of Scar's claim to Pride Rock, following appeals and machinations by Scar's allies among the member states, and against Simba, who claims title to Pride Rock by dint of his late father, Mufasa. Scar and his supporters, which include the influential Hyena Group of non-aligned states, maintain that Simba has no claim to the title, either because he is not authentically Mufasa's son; because even if he is Mufasa's son, Pride Rock is and always has been indigenously Scar; because Simba or Mufasa stole it from Scar; or because Simba has perpetrated genocide against Scar and has forfeited the privilege of sovereignty on Pride Rock.

While the move carries little practical significance, supporters of Scar trumpeted their victory. "This is yet further proof that our cause is just and the Zionist Simba is but a usurper," declared Shenzee, a Hyena representative who brought the resolution before the Council on behalf of Scar. "Let this herald momentum toward a just resolution of Scar's suffering at the hands of the imperialist Simba."

Observers of the UN lamented the blatant ahistoricity of the vote results. "No serious scholar questions Simba's connection Pride Rock," explained Rafi Ki of Baboon Watch. "The nations involved in this fiasco care more about the declarative value of the motion, though, than about its relationship to reality. This is a non-binding forum through which the various regimes can pay lip service to the Scar cause, even as they develop relationships with the up-and-coming Simba, who may yet prove more useful to them than the tired old Scar who appears more interested in holding onto power than in improving the lot of his subjects."

Recent months have seen increased tension over the historic site, with hyenas and Scar jockeying for control of the elevated area overlooking the pridelands. Simba and his supporters have accused Scar and his allies of inciting violence, while Scar continues to cultivate the image of a pursuer of peace even as his administration pays stipends to anyone who kills a member of Simba's band.
Simba was exiled from Pride Rock long ago and aims to reestablish his place in his ancestral homeland, a move Scar opposes.



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