AP Style Guide Update: All Jews Now 'Armed Settlers' (PreOccupied Territory)

Our weekly column from the humor site PreOccupied Territory. 

Check out their Facebook page.

Jerusalem, October 10 - A leading news organization whose decisions on terminology and phraseology exert an important influence in the framing of developments the world over has amended its guidelines to bring default references to Jews more in line with prevailing assumptions about the group, assumptions that the organization's coverage fostered in the first place, a spokesman for the outfit announced today (Thursday).

Associated Press Jerusalem Bureau Chief Peusen Dewell announced this morning that the wire service has updated its famous Style Guide to reflect the way most everyone now thinks about those of the Hebrew persuasion - in particular the ones inhabiting Israel, but not exclusively - now that decades of AP framing have helped cement in the popular consciousness the image of the greedy, violent, usurping Israeli Jew as the starting point for any news involving Israelis and Palestinians.

"The Associated Press is pleased to issue its latest modifications to the AP Style Guide, with input that this bureau had a significant hand in producing," proclaimed Dewell. "From now on our headlines, lede text, and initial mention of Israeli Jews will refer to them as 'armed settlers,' in keeping with how the world sees Jews with the unmitigated gall to live in their ancestral homeland. It is with no small measure of pride in our staff over the years, including those who preceded me in this bureau and position, that I note the role the AP itself has played in cultivating Israeli belligerence and guilt as the default assumption governing any news story, indeed, in determining whether a story is newsworthy in the first place."

Thus, explained Dewell, this past May's mention of the 45th anniversary of the Maalot Massacre, in which armed Palestinian terrorists killed dozens of Israeli schoolchildren and several other civilians, will be emended to refer to the children as "armed settlers" unless or until conclusive proof emerges that none of the dead had on their persons anything that can be used as a weapon, such as a penknife or shoelace.

"We will apply this style change retroactively twelve months," he informed other journalists. "Going forward, the AP will now replace its older terminology with the new phrase, and we expect other news organizations to follow suit before long. Some of our colleagues in the Palestinian and Middle East media anticipated this locution by several decades, but to date it has had only marginal currency in wider news usage. That changes today, and it pleases me to place the AP in the vanguard of that change."

Numerous armed settlers sent letters of protest to the bureau in response.

---

---

We have lots of ideas, but we need more resources to be even more effective. Please donate today to help get the message out and to help defend Israel.