"Why does my iPhone slow down after I criticize Israel online"?

Yes, this was a real question on Quora last week:

The answers are, as you might imagine, very funny:

My guess would be that we are extremely popular, thus many advertisements like to hitchhike when the word Israel is mentioned. Your iPhone gets chocked up with the cookies.
Of course, to check my theory, you’d need to write something good about Israel and see if the consequences are the same. Would this reflect badly on your health?

If you send your iPhone to the Mossad for repair, they will fix this problem.

You may be aware that we just held our annual Meeting of the Elders of Zion. One of the issues we were grappling with was people criticizing us. One especially sleazy technology controller came up with a strategy to combat this.
Every time someone criticizes Israel or Jews, we will make their device slow down a bit. Eventually, they will either stop, or their phone will stop for them.
Of course this was with Donald Trump’s approval.

Maybe your phone is tired of you criticizing Israel online. Try to criticize Palestine and see if it goes faster, you never know.

It's because Apple is founded by the Illuminati and the Illuminati’s aim is to establish a Jewish world government so they slow down people’s iPhones so that these people don't mess with the Illuminati’s plan to establish a Jewish world government.
I hope you're now enlightened.

Wrapping the phone in tin foil will solve the problem. Use the same foil that you use to make your hats. 

(h/t Josh K)

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